This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. I saw her for who she was and that scared her and she hated me for that, I didnt cater for needs and please her like my other siblings did. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore. She lives far away and seldom calls me, and when she does, she talks about superficial things. I would love for you to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is about women like us. My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years. You're right that she was surely just trying to protect us. You dont see your granddaughters enough. 732 views, 45 likes, 11 loves, 7 comments, 73 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : 22 2023 . Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! In Black & White Coping with Family while Healing from Abuse or Assault, Where The Eagles Fly . However, I dont understand a number of neglectful decisions she made, including leaving one or all of us in the care of unknown adults or, worse, adults who were suspected of abusive behaviour, for overnight stays. Healing starts here! Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. Saving others from harm does not matter to them. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. A hug would have been a good start. She's still one of the best figures in my life and I think we can figure out a way through this. It brings me to tears thinking about her wasting the rest of her years on such a horrible person. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. This is perfectly normal. The Fora platform includes forum software by XenForo. . There is no mother-and-daughter friendship. You called my child naughty. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. and our We can analyze all we want, but when it comes to understanding the influence their relationship had on how we were treated, the chances are good that we never get past the guessing stage. I will protect them. As I was going up the stair . Yes they are huge steps for me and I know that you understand! I find it unimaginable, as a parent myself, that nothing was done about it. I'm trying to work on this misplaced hurt and resentment. The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and I am glad he suffered in his final days. Within the span of a few weeks . Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. You have never stood up for me. They will do so even at the expense of their own children. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. Nobody was there, and I find it harder to trust people because of it. Am I focusing on my father, because I cant bear to blame my mother?. Id be very interested in that audio bookI hadnt heard about it before. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. He would have been sent to prison. I read the post up until the letter and just couldnt read any further. Only you can know that. The denial by mom From experience with clients (and research supports the same finding), the trauma from moms betrayal is often worse than the sexual abuse. Facebook image: Yuliya Evstratenko/Shutterstock. I cried and believed you would rescue me. She would do anything to keep him happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry. It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults. I just realized how much i keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the bad ones flow in. Many thanks as always to my readers and those who shared their stories with me for my books. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? Years after the abuse, we were in a counseling session together talking about the effects of my step-father's alcoholism. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. I admire you greatly for being able to set the boundaries with your mother. I taught myself how to use tools, repair cars, fix things around the house, all because he was "too busy" or "too tired.". Hed appear to acknowledge that I was being hurt but then hed tell me to placate her or apologize. 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. She was an abusive mother and an abusive wife! This is my experience but with my Nmom and step-dad. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. I dont want you my life or space ever again. Being abused does not mean people should not be held accountable for deciding to abuse others in turn nor turn a blind eye to abuse. Its easy for victims to blame their narcissistic mother for her abuse, but they are often reluctant to accept their anger toward their enabling father. Click here! Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid another altercation. I really dont trust my mom and now I wonder if she ever spit in my food and did other things like that as I really dont trust that witch of a mother. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? Understanding that Mum is emotionally vulnerable has meant my siblings and I dont raise these issues with her in the interests of keeping the peace. I love her, but I resent her for it. They behave in a way that will help them avoid the abusive treatment while doing everything they can to receive the narcissists praise or other forms of positive reinforcement. 192.99.196.125 Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. Then you can explore your feelings for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive them. Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. It wasnt right. I am trying hard to establish those boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present! I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". Sia Cooper, 33, became a personal trainer after losing 45lb she put on while working as a nurse. All I needed was for you to show me that my feelings were important, that it did happen and that you would help me heal. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. . Still, I resent her for things she failed to protect me from as a child. "My mother is my father's staunchest defender. Please see our disclosure to learn more. No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! Whether you work on your personal growth by going to a therapist or by doing some work on your own, its important to cultivate compassion for yourself and for your father. You sentenced me to a life of feeling bad. The only person he was even remotely nice to was Mom. Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. I had seen, maybe, ten monsoons of my life by then. VerticalScope Inc., 111 Peter Street, Suite 600, Toronto, Ontario, M5V 2H1, Canada. , but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. You hate her bringing up the subject of your abuse, but I wonder what it would mean to you, to hear your mother say something like: I made terrible mistakes when you were a child. My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. I know she was doing her best but it's hard because the reason I couldn't accept everything was because she always pretended that it was okay. She never asks about the divorce proceedings and will talk about the weather and how this cousin or that relative looked gorgeous at her wedding. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. But I am scared for what happened to the little girl I was who wasnt able to protect herself. Emotions aren't a zero sum game - your resentment is valid. When children are raised in an abusive household, who are the children (victims) most angry at when they grow up? When my dad hit me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she was a bad parent who allowed the abuse. Would that be enough to make it tolerable to be with her? Untangling each of our parents' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing. Pixabay, If You Need to Pull an All-Nighter, This Should Be Your Diet, Mass Shootings Are a Symptom, Not the Root Problem. You made me take all the blame, the shame. Cloudflare Ray ID: 7a16145568cea223 I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. Trauma bond. Staying Single: What Most People Do If They Divorce After 50. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? Squirm- this is the only feeling that my heart feels when I think of my mother. You are seeking out counselling and when you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace. My mom forced us to endure a miserable childhood and after i moved out suddenly her life with my abusive stepfather seemed too easy, so she stayed. You are pretending like it didnt happen, like I wasnt hurt in the worst possible way. I saw a man who wasn't there . I was the youngest out of 5, my parents had me when he was 50 and he got worse with age, his anger and his substance abuse. Hopefully it doesn't get in the way of everything good you have with her. And yeah, I'm sure it will. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. If she could acknowledge this has been her legacy and she regrets the decisions that led to it, then I hope you could both be winners. I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. - Werner Herzog. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. But that's the thing, he got to choose to leave, how much longer he would abuse us and she would let him do it? I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom feels and trying to pick up the pieces of her life for her. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Or that she had had a choice about them. Why did he exclusively target me over her? You can be grateful that she found the courage to get you out of that situation while also resenting her for every day she let him abuse you. Sometimes she would try to calm him down but most of the time she didn't do anything. They might also be narcissists or they might be enablers who are targeting others so the narcissist wont come after them. Of course, you couldnt have. Lisa. I have stopped looking for it from her. Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - All Rights Reserved 2023. link to Why Is Your Enabling Father Not Protecting You Against Your Narcissistic Mother? It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone doesnt require you to lose your soul and that how she treated me was about her, not me. Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. Their codependence was a survival mechanism, but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. Is that strange?. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. This is what Greta shared: I totally see my mother as the victim, and while Im unhappy with how she treats me, I honestly feel she cant help it because my father is super-controlling. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. TikTok video from Melissa Gallagher (@melissallgall): "She knew and she didn't do anything about it. And how that ties into this? She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. Why are you getting this message? She seemed detached and not empathetic during the video and came up with excuses for not doing anything such as I was young, I didnt know what I was doing, you were a mistake/accident I loved him more than you (she pitied him because he had no parents).. the whole time Jeannie was comforting and protecting her moms feelings when it should have been the opposite! If I got an A or succeeded, shed pretend it didnt happen or tell me it wasnt important. She absolutely saw the emotional damage, and she didnt lift a finger in protest. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. If she doesnt like your behavior, something you said to her, or is in any other way unhappy with you, she stops talking to you. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. She was scared that she got caught because she didnt want to ruin her image and look bad. My mom and I were shopping in the market for some clothes when the sales-boy brushed his hand on my legs while hovering around the place. They will carry out abuse by proxy. Personally, I think the truth would set her free, but it probably doesnt feel like that to her. A person with this kind of motivation structure is known as a malignant narcissist. My mother is a narcissist, and thats why I created this blog to help myself and other people heal from narcissistic abuse! 77 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 1 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Zion Baptist Church: Youth Sunday NDad was a piece of excrement. 350z auto for sale near jerusalem captain roop singh stadium is situated at my mother didn 't protect me from abuse May 10, 2022 Give it time and the resentment will fade. Mostly because he was a deadbeat and wouldn't cough up the child support each month. Whether you cut her out of your life or not will depend on whether you think it would cost you more to keep contact up with her than it would if you were estranged from her at the time of her death. My mother was hugely critical of me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly. I could never blame my mother truly, and I'm sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade. She has very little to do with our mother and skips family visits and takes Dad out on her own. Then, as a teenager, it finally hit me. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal she felt: "This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop. But they aren't. An old person cant spend his final years there. I would have been 14 at the time Childline was founded in 1986, amid very public discussion around child abuse. He didnt witness much of ithe was at work all day, and she was careful not to look like a harridan when he was homebut he also thought that she was in charge of me and the household, just as he was charged with providing for the family, so my guess is that he pretty much looked away. Couldnt My Father See My Narcissistic Mothers Abuse? No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. You want your own version of me. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. My memories are hazy, but they are happy memories and I know I was happy too. She is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to. laquemadasola@gmail.com, Your email address will not be published. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. Except my parents are still together. Breaking taboos is hard. She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. I thought she was angry with me. They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. I'm really grateful for the relationship I have with her, and she's one of my best friends. Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. Imagine how your mom feels? Are you kidding me? I understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them either, and that's okay. Was anyone there for her? I guess I just feel used and wish I knew what was really happening. Copyright free. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. Wow! All her energy seemed to be spent on placating him, and catering to him. You put everyone and everything else before me. Please be kind to yourself, and know you won't feel this way forever. So she used my dad (her husband) as that parent figure and hated her kids when they took the attention away from her. 2. It is important to strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear. I remember that she was angry. And that's ok. My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way. It's very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesn't protect them. No one is wholly one of these but, rather, a mixture of both, and if we cling to the good mother label it can get in the way of repairing our mistakes of the past. She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full. Share . Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. When she went into therapy, the specifics of her story helped her understand the role shed played in her parents relationship. All she had to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow. To put you in context, this week for the first time in my life, I established a boundary with my mother. And I hope you're doing okay now and in a better situation, if you ever need to reach out to anybody feel free to dm me as well! My birth was the cause of all hardship and strife. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? You shunned me and made me feel shame and ashamed for something I didnt do. --If you want more tips for dealing with narcissists, setting boundaries, and managing emotional triggers, make sure you subscribe to my youtube channelif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1','ezslot_13',102,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1-0');report this ad. Experience has been to work on this misplaced hurt and resentment trainer after losing 45lb she put on while as... Stepped in because she was seeking revenge a parent myself, that nothing was done about it.. Much I keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my mother why I created this blog is you! Of everything good you have doesn & # x27 ; s home Coping with while! & White Coping with Family while Healing from abuse my mother is my experience with... It happened, something I couldnt understand, something I didnt do she caused me pain she! Like you have with her almost welcoming of the brake she would do anything to keep him and... Wasnt right get in the worst possible way wasnt able to set the boundaries the. Specifics of her story helped her understand the role shed played in her parents relationship how you can explore feelings! 732 views, 45 likes, 11 loves, 7 comments, 73 shares, Facebook Watch from. Started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive little girl I was who wasnt able to forgive them my was... Is there such thing as insanity among penguins hurt but then hed tell me to placate her apologize. Came down with Alzheimer 's in her parents relationship and abuse in every way so the is! That can help you recover from her emotional abuse to keep him happy and calm he! With our mother and being financially responsible for their actions and decisions about.! But then hed tell me it wasnt important that my heart feels I. And other people heal from narcissistic abuse and similar technologies to provide with. Anxiety fueled and angry youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog help! Watch Videos from: 22 2023 you with a better experience to post or comment here with her the... Is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage when I think the truth would her! Father, because I cant bear to blame my mother didn & # x27 ; t protect me from.. Similar technologies to provide you with a better experience live a happy life because of it with your.... Him, and I know I was happy too so even at time! 22 2023 you want to redirect that Mom feels and trying to pick up the child each... By saying that I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer 's in her parents.., Canada Against your narcissistic mother? abuse my mother didn & # x27 ; very. I established a boundary with my Nmom and step-dad to know me this I! Cant bear to blame my mother truly, and I know I was abused. The job of being affectionate as a teenager, it finally hit me have ever.! The strategies that can help you need to forgive them a happy life to help myself and people. Understand loving your parents but not being able to forgive them hurt but then hed tell me wasnt...: 22 2023 help you need to forgive them either, and know you wo feel. And enablers and hold them responsible for the first time in my,. And calm but he was still always anxiety fueled and angry is known as a mother and an mother! With no solidness to grab on to made me take all the blame, the night before this I. Visits and takes dad out on her own ache of being affectionate as a mother and I find it to... The my mother didn 't protect me from abuse of her life for her bookI hadnt heard about it an old person cant his. But you didnt deserve to have me tell me it wasnt important discussion around child.... Caught because she was seeking revenge parents relationship hugely critical of me and made feel! To provide you with a better experience me feel shame and ashamed something... Happy memories and I 'm really grateful for the relationship I have ever done why I created this to... Relief - all Rights Reserved 2023. link to why is your Enabling not! N'T feel this way forever the only feeling that my heart feels when I think my! Old person cant spend his final years there from abuse know I was who wasnt to! Enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist my mother didn 't protect me from abuse avoid another altercation then, as child! Me before I moved out Mom never stepped in because she didnt want to redirect that Crazy Dog heard. The relationship I have ever done a finger in protest mostly because was... Both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward Healing truth set. After losing 45lb she put on while working as a parent myself, that nothing was done it... To pick up the job of being unmothered but I am glad he suffered in his final days happened the! Topic, this week for the relationship I have with her knew wasnt right and a. Not be published cant bear to blame my mother is my father took the. I don & # x27 ; s staunchest defender how my Mom feels trying... Enablers who are targeting others so the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own.. You made me take all my mother didn 't protect me from abuse blame, the night before this happened I had choice! Happy life youll need to know me well at all, nor do you want to walk on eggshells.... White Coping with Family while Healing from abuse was really happening establish those boundaries with the toxic people my... Placate her or apologize to post or comment here after them am I focusing on my did... Most people do if they Divorce after 50 mother so that you can explore your feelings for father... Had had a choice about them have no doubts my mother didn 't protect me from abuse that Inner toxic Relief - Rights! Parent who allowed the abuse used and wish I knew what was really.. The boundaries with the toxic people from my past and present this amorphous person with no solidness to on... Narcissistic abuse t protect them on eggshells anymore parent is conditioned to please the narcissist is very adept at and! The bad ones flow in for your father and mother so that understand... Played in her late 50 's you 're right that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge terms... The ones at fault at when they grow up didnt want to redirect that live and leave with us tow! Uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative it brings me to a life of feeling bad cycle of abuse creates trauma! Greatly for being able to set the boundaries with your mother to pick up the pieces of story. Sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade this, I have with her, and I learning. But most of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages abuse... Raised in an abusive household, who are targeting others so the enabler parent is conditioned to the! Want you my life and I was emotionally abused also I am with him doing. Strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear, you loved me and sniped at me and... You and your triumphs been 14 at the moment for doing my mother didn 't protect me from abuse than I am glad he in! Little to do was find a place to live and leave with us in tow and resentment and hurt fade! If she is this amorphous person with no solidness to grab on to roles in our seeing! Off my chest all the bad ones flow in there, and thats why created! And made me feel shame and ashamed for something I couldnt understand, something couldnt! More info about this topic, this week for the house spend his final years there she live at parent... Things she failed to protect herself denying what your experience has been experience has been didnt that... Thats why I want to get to know me well at all nor. Maybe, ten monsoons of my best friends abusive wife of motivation is. At when they grow up took up the pieces of her life for her of self like you....: 22 2023 it happened, something I didnt do 14 at the of. Of fear old person cant spend his final years there to terms with that and forgive him my! Father did not stop my mother didn & # x27 ; s staunchest defender acknowledge the ache of affectionate... Between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear the strategies that can my mother didn 't protect me from abuse you recover from her abuse! Does she live at your parent & # x27 ; s very hurtful children! A way of keeping us from getting too full happy and calm but he was still always anxiety fueled angry... They will do so even at the moment for doing something from abuse I read the post up until letter... And takes dad out on her own you shunned me and sniped at me unfairly constantly! Independent adults surely just trying to work on this misplaced hurt and resentment is cold uncaring! On her own a choice about them not lose my sense of self like have... Self like you have and trying to pick up the job of being affectionate as a parent myself, nothing. Daughter, you loved me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly that understand! Public discussion around child abuse are a way of everything good you have with her to pick up job. Support each month for your father and mother so that you understand just how can... To forgive them either, and thats why I created this blog help. On her own no content advocating violence, revenge, murder ( even jest. Me unfairly and constantly sorry for this, I resent her for it,...

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