June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. ReginaRey lets_be_honest So dont wait around for that. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) wendyblueeyes June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. I am afraid for humanity. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. That was my first thought. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Agreed. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. Haha. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). Addie Pray ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. muchachaenlaventana It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. This is typically how this dynamic functions. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Or go to batting cages. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Pronouns made that a little less clear. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. Its a balance. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. CottonTheCuteDog lets_be_honest January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. , silver_dragon_girl Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. But, youre not single now. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. A lot of family time. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. 1. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. I married an apron-strings boy like that. She should say something about it to the BF at least. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. Geocaching!!!! I was thinking the same thing. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? right! You mention what you used to do when your were single. At least, most of the time. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. husband goes to his parents every weekend. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. Really? Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Yeah, but every weekend? If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. muchachaenlaventana I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Have a bbq with friends. Thats what next times are for! This is how children are taught. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. While discussing sports one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied had to learn that people different. Than the garbage discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios just say talk. 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